Letters to A Young Poet

My Senses Will Not Let Me Be A Prostitute (Video)

2011-06-05T23:21:00.000-07:00

My Senses Will Not Let Me Be A Prostitute

2011-06-05T23:14:00.000-07:00

My Senses Will Not Let Me Be A Prostitute

She said it like it was easy, when I asked for an idea on how to make some “senseless” cash she suggested it, like it was nothing. Like I could close my eyes and pretend that all my senses were gone, I looked at her, and then I told her:

I would be a prostitute if it wasn't for the smell.

The smell of semen stained goals, hopes and dreams.

The smell of men's lust and deceit - of them objectifying you - of them preying upon your low self- esteem like vultures, vying for whatever flesh is left and eating you down past the carcass.

I would consider being a prostitute if the smell of lubricant coated latex in the hands of a total stranger didn't make me cringe.

If this strangeness didn't feel so much like rock bottom, a last resort and defeat, when I prided myself on being a winner, then I might think about being a prostitute.

I might think about being a prostitute if hearing tacky plastic heels hit pavement in an unsure strut didn't make my heart halt abruptly.

If seeing a car slow to a stop and a tinted window roll down didn't make me fear for my life.

If hearing the sound of some strange man calling me “sweet thing” didn't make me want to cry and heave from the depths of my stomach. If the words “hoe”, “slut”and “whore” weren't filled disdain and self hate, I would consider it.

I would do it if seeing the look the eyes of the passersby didn't make me hate myself although I never really cared what people thought until now. If seeing my reflection in your rearview mirror wasn't so damning I would most definitely consider being a prostitute, especially if the taste of your flesh wasn't so sour and rancid. If it didn't always taste like losing. If sometimes I wouldn't taste the blood of my lip or cheek after you hit me, disrespect me and defiled me.

I would probably consider it if touching myself didn't give you so much pleasure and didn't fulfill one of your sick fantasies. I would consider it if your skin didn't burn me when I touched it. I would even do it if feeling around your car for my underwear didn't make me so ashamed. I would do it if the $50 bill you handed me didn't feel so dirty.

I told her, I would do it if it wasn't for Katrina, for your sister, for your friend, for your mother or for your daughter who already made that mistake. I would do it if all 5 of my senses would let me or left me.

It's not as senseless or as easy as you think.

The Pursuit of Happiness - Video

2011-03-29T14:13:00.000-07:00

This Poem Is Because I Love You

2010-02-24T16:12:00.000-08:00

This poem is because I'm blinking back tears and because I can't love you like I want to
This poem is because my head hurts when ever I have to leave you and go back to a house that is not my home
This poem is because as we lay in our respective beds at night and have phone conversations about nothing, more tears come
Staining my sea foam colored pillow case
I cry because I love you, because words are not enough
This poem is because I can't articulate my plee for help and because you're the knight in shining armour that I want to cry to but I don't know where to begin
This poem is because I need help and things are out of control and you're the only one whose orders I want to take
This poem is because playing a movie that I've seen a hundred times to fall asleep is no longer an adequate companion at night
because I've fallen asleep in your arms and slept soundly and woke up happy
This poem is because I'm scared that you don't fully understand the intangible depth of my love for you and it's because I think you'll let me go and watch me fall
This poem is because tonight I need you
This poem is because tonight is the hardest night I've had because I'm struggling to hold back my whimpers while trying not to choke on my pride
This poem is because not laying your arms might kill me then steal my breath and use it to ill speak me
This poem is because tonight is an unbearable pain in my heart
This poem is because I might die from my sadness
This poem is because you mean the world to me even when my world is crashing down around me
This poem is because tonight I might not be able to exist without your comfort
This poem is because I love you
-Fayola Perry
(Copy written so don't copy me)

Poem from/for Slams: A Backwards Progression 041008

2010-02-11T01:45:00.000-08:00

This mindless monotony means nothing to me, my greatest accomplishment is having learned to be me.

Let's elevate our minds to a higher plane.
Don't do the same things over and over again.
We've been stuck on this plateau for way to long.
You say you skipped to the next track but it sounds like the same song!
Because now left is right and right is wrong, trying to resist your lies but they're way to strong.
From this hell on earth is where I wanna be ordered and delivered from; 3000 said, "there's a war going
on and half the battle is guns".
The other half is armed with power, greed, and selfishness, they're unaware of other people's pain
suffering and helplessness.
I'm mad because all I can do to hell is this, put pen to paper and write down my wish.
A wish for the little boys to men, a world where we're less concerned with the material trends.
I mean we're all victims of some type of social rape, trying to rise to the top but the bottom of the
barrel we scrape.
The game of life will never be easy so we have to fight like UFC we see on t.v.
I wish that when I turned it on I'd see more people like me, trying to stray away from the negative
normalcy.
All I'm saying is we need more people with a vision, people with the ability to execute take-over
with precision.
They say the revolution won't be televised, that's a damn good thing because I wanna see it with my
own eyes.
Up close and personal in this war I wage, although I'm scared that my dreams won't go past this page.
How can revolution begin with one?
An idea of where to begin it seems we have none.
Seems killing has become a new form of fun.
Little boys' favourite toys are little plastic guns.
I'm so done with this world and it's money hungry power struggles.
I create my own space, my words form a bubble to block out the corporate bustle.
But it's like Jay- Z said, "You can't knock the hustle".
-Fayola Perry
(Copy written so don't copy me)

Poem from/for Slams: For Granny, For Daddy 050608

2010-02-11T01:16:00.000-08:00

After dark there is light my friend.
No longer does the finality of death mean that this is the better end.
Come to terms with it and understand what it means, yet do understand that we shant ever part because
we're together in your dreams.
See death isn't pretty so damn the flowers and if one's not born yet how can you give them a shower.
But that's getting off topic;don't hold it against me, just drop it.
I'm toxic because it seems like death had plagued me.
Try to run away from it but it invades me;sanity evades me.
Stood so close to the graves so as to better see but in both sets of closed eyes all I saw was the death of
me.
Cold limbs and fixed facial expressions- I harbor old feelings that grow into aggression I approached
both coffins with discretion, not ready for either to be taken away from me .
It hurts that I can only remember him vaguely , she was taken away from me, to early see, she was my
number one fan.
Through every step of the way she held my hand.
She prayed me into this world, I praised her out.
She's in the upper room with the Lord that she told everyone about.
She was the biggest role model in my life; her eminent death pierced my heart like a dart or a knife.
The poet said, " God only takes the best".
I guess I must keep that in mind since he laid them both to rest.
She took off her bracelet and now I've got her Bible; If I said I didn't miss her, that'd be libel.
Losing these two people, so undeserving of such suffering-as the matriarch, her loving was buffering
for all our feelings, so who do we turn to now?
God's good and faithful servants have taken their last bows, I guess from this day forward, this I vow, to love my family in the here and in the now.
- Fayola Perry
(Copy written so don't copy me)

Poem from/for Slams: Ode to a Video Vixen (Katrina) 111209

2010-02-11T00:52:00.000-08:00

Why is it only considered Hip Hop if the beat knocks and chicks pop naked asses in the air and call rappers pops?
That's not your daddy!
And although he may seem to be every black girls dream, he's not trying to get to know you he's trying
to get into your jeans.
And every time you give him head and spread your legs, and invite him into your bed you're letting him
into your head.
Giving him power to embed more seeds of low self esteem, instead of empowering yourself.
Basically you sell your body just to be in the presence of his wealth.
Well what's his money going to help when fate's cards are dealt?
When you're alone and he's getting dome from someone else?
When your feelings are invested, this rapper that you slept with probably doesn't care; he's probably
off some where throwing dollars into the air.
The limelight starts to fade, and you're feeling like a lemon and the money that you thought you were
getting he's no longer sending because he's moved onto the next.
What's terrible is that at best you're not even an ex;
You're now an industry chick that had sex for a check- an expensive whore.
nothing less and nothing more.
The saddest part is, you were my homegirl from next door.
Video Vixen, Video Vixen, close your eyes and just listen
You idolize Melyssa Ford but life's lessons you're missing
Katrina
- Fayola Perry
(Copy written so don't copy me)

Poems from/for slams : Pursuit of Happiness 020510

2010-02-11T00:22:00.000-08:00

If youth is wasted on the young then life must be wasted on the living
No one sees the joy in being alive so we give grief to the saints and ask God, "why?"
What makes this happen like that and that like this
We need to fall back and learn to just exist
See society's problem is that they're too concerned with how to win
Who's doing what and what style is in
And with this everyday competition they lose sight and forget to listen
Steady trying to keep up with the Joneses and every day miracles they're missing
So with my dope lines and near rhymes I hope to impart this:
Living life trying to be someone else isn't it
Being your best and trying to improve for self is one of the few ways to achieve true wealth
I don't say this from a place of judgment or condemnation but in hopes to effect my generation and
and prevent the proliferation of power hungry money mongers from ruining the
nation
We have to improve on the dream;we have to do something new
And since the quality of your life depends on you
It's important that you realize that the only way out is the way through
And yes, the actions of others do matter,
But you have to ignore the wolves in sheep's clothing just trying to make their pockets fatter
Because you know the truth
Happiness starts from within you
Money can't buy you happiness and here's the proof:
There are billionaires sitting around more unhappy than I and you
Living in palaces and mansions with no peace of mind
Looking for love and acceptance, emptiness and their possessions is all they find
Look, all I know is when my days are done I want to look back and say, "well done"
Take pride in yourself and do good work
Realize in life you sometimes you have to move past the hurts
We have to let go of things and let ourselves really thrive
We must rediscover the joys of being alive
So at the end of our days when it's all said and done
We can look back and say "I have really won,"
In my Pursuit for Happiness

- Fayola Perry
(Copy written so don't copy me)

Summation of all my post thus far.

2009-11-19T02:17:00.000-08:00

"I'm not the type to walk around with matching shirts/relationships take effort/ I will match your work."
-Common- "The Light"

"I could never fully get with loving somebody wholeheartedly and not getting that shit back"
-Scorpio Blues-"Second Guessing"

In all of my relationships I prided myself on being the type of girl friend that was willing to put in the effort and the work to maintain the relationship. I always found my self skipping, falling, jumping, and diving head first into love and doing any and everything for that love no matter if it was good or bad for me.

In retrospect, I guess I didn't give as much as I thought though. I thought I was fully giving myself to this particular person but in reality I couldn't really get with loving them if the love wasn't reciprocated.

So I was definitely matching his work, when he gave me half of himself, I only gave him half, I may have been trying to hold us together, but somewhere in my subconscious mind, I was half- assing it and to "fake it til you make it" is not always the best when you're losing a piece of yourself each day that you stay with someone who isn't giving an effort, I mean shit, come on.

I must say that the tables have definitely turned and although things are not always a traipse through the flowers, he works, he meets me in the middle, he hears me, he sees me, and now I finally feel as if I've met that perfect match who will meet me in the middle. Someone who won't just let me be self conscious but who comforts you and compliments you in every way possible. He's a true friend that I know for sure. There's no more second guessing, because this time I am really and truly in love.

Friends... How many of us have them, Friends... someone you can depend on.

2009-09-28T14:48:00.000-07:00

"They say people in your life are seasons,/And anything that happen is for a reason,"

Kanye West feat. Adam Levine-"Heard 'em Say"

My mother used to say something to that effect when I was younger, and I never realized how true it was until a few months ago.

I say that because, four months ago, my two best friends and I decided to part ways with one another. Somethings were said and some words were exchanged. There were mistakes made, on both ends, and for months, I haven't been able to write about it. I have been unable to find the words to succinctly and accurately describe how I feel about how the situation unfolded.

I felt as is our friendship was strong enough to withstand the test of time.

I forgave them when they did things that hurt me, and I felt as if they owed me the same courtesy that I afforded them.

It was as if everything that happened in our friendship until that point was a lie. So many old feelings were stirred up in the those last three days, that spanned the whole friendship.

My question is, if we supposed to be such good friends, why is it that when I came to you with my concerns you didn't articulate yours?

If we were such good friends, why didn't you feel comfortable telling me that I had done something that hurt you?

Although I may be harsh, I am the polar opposite when dealing with my friends unless they need the ugly truth.

I say all that to say this, I miss them and I don't understand why we're at the impasse that we are at right now.

All of this could've been avoided if we communicated a little differently.

I guess 'Ye was right again... people in your life are for a season, and everything that happens is for a reason.

I think that you learn something from every one that you come in contact with. Whether they're in your life for a nanosecond or forever, you're learning something. Something about yourself, something about people, something about anything at all.

I'm not quite sure what I've learned from this or them, but I'm thinking that I did learn that I am capable of caring, of being a friend.

Despite their indifference to what I think about them, I am definitely affected by what they think of me. I'm self-conscious and it's getting easier to admit it.

When it rains, it pours...

2009-05-27T10:14:00.000-07:00

" King
When sorrows come, they come not in single spies,
but in battalions: first her father slain;"
from Hamlet Act4. sc.5 ln.83-84

Although I usually take quotes from songs, this time I decided to flip the script a bit.
I've taken to reading Shakespeare again and I am slightly fond of Hamlet.
In an assignment last night, I was asked to select my favourite quote from Act 4 and then give some insight as to why it is my favourite.
For me, the assignment was easy. The quote for this posting, says it all and epitomizes the last year and a half of my life.
Most recently it seems as if there has been a resurgence of unfortunate events occurring in my life. I thought that the rain had stopped pouring, but in reality that was just a dry patch before the hurricane hit.
It is almost as if King Claudius was speaking directly about me, almost as if this is some parallel universe, one in which I am the fair Ophelia.
Last year it began with my paternal grandmother's death, which was succeeded by the untimely death of my father and then the even more untimely death of my maternal grandmother to whom I was extremely close to.
It's like that old saying, "when it rains, it pours". That couldn't be more true. My life has been in a seemingly endless downward spiral since last year.
It is as if I'm one of the octogenarians in those corny Life Alert commercials, " I've fallen and I can't get up!"
Overwhelmed, spread to thin, exhausted, feeling insufficient, self-conscious and the first to admit it, I am a heart laden with depression.

Love, so many things I want to tell you...

2009-04-30T14:00:00.000-07:00

" Love/ so many things I've got to tell you/ but I'm afraid I don't know how/ 'cause there's a possibilty that you'll look at me differently/ love/ ever since the first spoke your name/from then on I knew by you being in my life/ things were destined to change"
Musiq Soulchild- "Love"

" Just cuz I love you and you love me/ it doesn't mean that were meant to be"
Jazmine Sullivan- " Lions and Tigers and Bears"

"It hurts I ain't gon lie, Oh I/ You said just what I thought you would/ and it's hurts I ain't gon lie oh I/ But it doesn't hurt as bad as it could" Jazmine Sullivan- "Hurricane"

I did it once, stood with my face nestled in his neck and breathed him in as he did the same. It was as if in that moment, nothing else mattered but he and I.

Never would I have thought that A) I'd find some one that seemed so divinely compatible and B) that once I found that some one, that maintaining this seemingly "divine relationship" wouldn't be divine at all.

There are so many things, I want to tell him, to yell to him, to ask him, to thank him for. We broke up the other day, this time for the last time.

No more I love yous, baby I miss yous, or goodmornings. No more breaks. Just over.

I want to tell him I still love him, that I still care, that I pray for him more than I pray for myself. I want to ask why he put me through what he put me through. This roller coaster has caused a wave of emotions to take over my heart, creep into my throat and lungs and stop me from breathing. The air's unfamiliar staleness only reminds me that his smell, his touch are what I long for and for me this air is just insufficient without him.
Yet, I am angry with him, it seemed he would do anything to get me back , but nothing to keep me.
I knew that from the moment we met, from the moment our hearts leapt and became one that my life would be different. I knew that regardless of what happened between he and I, would forever change my life and the way I love.
We are proof that because two people love each other doesn't mean that they're meant to be together. I think we loved each other, but that we are just no longer in love. For now that's ok.
It hurts, I'm not going to lie. Break ups tend to do that. Honestly, it doesn't hurt as bad as it could, because yes I saw it coming.
And I hate to get corny, because that's not me...
but to Elvin I say, me without you is like a nerd without braces, a shoe without laces, a sentencewithoutspaces, and as a writer, I can't have that, now can I?

"Crutches"

2009-04-14T07:37:00.000-07:00

"It's hard for me to express myself /'cause I can't protect myself if I'm exposed."
- Britney Wilson, Brave New Voices, Team New York

" Look how the smile in your face, then they back bite."
Maino- " Hi Hater"

I don't know how true the first statement is for anyone else, but in my opinion there has never been a more accurate statement uttered in the history of all slam poetry.

For me, when I'm standing there, it's as if I'm naked, skin peeled off and all scars are on display for viewing. I am exposed in a way that the physical eye may not perceive, but that the emotional eye, that third eye, scrutinizes.

There is complete venerability on that stage, in front of those people, you cannot protect yourself from the harsh words, the criticism, the naysayers.

The armour placed around your soul becomes transparent. You put your soul on the line, in hopes that there's that one person out there that hears you, sees you, relates to you.

All to often we let people's negative feed back seep into our subconsciouses like Philly Cheese steak grease through a brown paper bag. You start second guessing your ability, what hurts the most is when you think you've killed it, that you were up in front of the crowd, singing, flowing, dancing, or whatever and everyone is singing praises to you superb delivery, and there's that one... that negative Nancy nigga, that plants the figurative seed of self doubt.
When you're standing there, expelling your truth and spitting out the best and worst parts of you, there will be haters, no doubt.

This is where the Maino quote comes into play. There are those snakes in the grass whose forked tongues cut like two-edged swords that will compliment you to your face and tear you to shreds behind your back.

It disgusts me, causes a revolt in my belly forcing me to heave into the porcelain goddess, that is the toilet, of my mind.

I guess it's a perpetual cycle, they talk shit, I use it as inspiration and they talk more I write more.
It's like the chicken and the egg, which came first, no one seems to know, but the haters just add verses to my prose. ( Rhyme unintended)
Look at me, trying to sound all confident and what not, but I don't want fame, I'm self-conscious and admit it gladly, as the haters smile in my face and then talk behind my back. It's really hard for me to express myself because I can't protect myself if I'm exposed as imperfectly human.

Played by Fame

2009-04-08T13:36:00.000-07:00

" fame is the worst drug known to man/ it's stronger than heroin/ when you can look in the mirror like ' here I am'/ and still not see what you've become/ I know I'm guilty of it too, but not like them"
- Jay-z - " Lost One"

" we all self-concious, I'm just the first to admit it"
- KanYe West- " All Falls Down
Now these two seemingly unrelated quotes may be obscure and random, but they more than aptly describe the sloppy state of affairs that is my life.
As you're reading this, you're thinking, "wtf?" but seriously, hear me out. Recently, I've noticed, with myself and with those that I'm forced to be in contact with, how true Jigga's quote is. For example, whenever people get exahalted, of placed in a postion of power they start to exude this air of slight superiority. More often than not in these situations, the person becomes jaded and develops this supercillious attitude. They are so quick to judge and point out the flaws of others yet unable to truly see themselves for the buttnugget that they've become.
What get's me most about Jay's quote though, is him saying, no, admitting that he too is guilty of walking around as if he's the fecal matter and the urine, but not like them. Them being every one else who thinks they're splashy, when in they aren't even making waves. That's how I feel everyday, as though I buy into the hype, but not like them, not as much. I still know who I am, I think.
I just always feel, idk, different. As if I'm either so far left that I have no affiliation with what's right , or that I'm so right I'm wrong.
This where 'Ye's quote come into play. I feel like everyone's trying to be a " G" and ain't realized that's just a letter in the alphabet. I think I'm one of few people that can easily admit that they're flawed and self-concious about those flaws. Everyone's put up this front, that they are perfectly secure about the way they are, when in reality, we're all self-concious. I'm just the first to admit it- on a blog that is.