Summation of all my post thus far.

"I'm not the type to walk around with matching shirts/relationships take effort/ I will match your work."
-Common- "The Light"

"I could never fully get with loving somebody wholeheartedly and not getting that shit back"
-Scorpio Blues-"Second Guessing"

In all of my relationships I prided myself on being the type of girl friend that was willing to put in the effort and the work to maintain the relationship. I always found my self skipping, falling, jumping, and diving head first into love and doing any and everything for that love no matter if it was good or bad for me.

In retrospect, I guess I didn't give as much as I thought though. I thought I was fully giving myself to this particular person but in reality I couldn't really get with loving them if the love wasn't reciprocated.

So I was definitely matching his work, when he gave me half of himself, I only gave him half, I may have been trying to hold us together, but somewhere in my subconscious mind, I was half- assing it and to "fake it til you make it" is not always the best when you're losing a piece of yourself each day that you stay with someone who isn't giving an effort, I mean shit, come on.

I must say that the tables have definitely turned and although things are not always a traipse through the flowers, he works, he meets me in the middle, he hears me, he sees me, and now I finally feel as if I've met that perfect match who will meet me in the middle. Someone who won't just let me be self conscious but who comforts you and compliments you in every way possible. He's a true friend that I know for sure. There's no more second guessing, because this time I am really and truly in love.

Friends... How many of us have them, Friends... someone you can depend on.

"They say people in your life are seasons,/And anything that happen is for a reason,"

Kanye West feat. Adam Levine-"Heard 'em Say"

My mother used to say something to that effect when I was younger, and I never realized how true it was until a few months ago. 

I say that because, four months ago, my two best friends and I decided to part ways with one another. Somethings were said and some words were exchanged. There were mistakes made, on both ends, and for months, I haven't been able to write about it. I have been unable to find the words to succinctly and accurately describe how I feel about how the situation unfolded.

I felt as is our friendship was strong enough to withstand the test of time. 

I forgave them when they did things that hurt me, and I felt as if they owed me the same courtesy that I afforded them.

It was as if everything that happened in our friendship until that point was a lie. So many old feelings were stirred up in the those last three days, that spanned the whole friendship.

My question is, if we supposed to be such good friends, why is it that when I came to you with my concerns you didn't articulate yours?

If we were such good friends, why didn't you feel comfortable telling me that I had done something that hurt you?

Although I may be harsh, I am the polar opposite when dealing with my friends unless they need the ugly truth. 

I say all that to say this, I miss them and I don't understand why we're at the impasse that we are at right now. 

All of this could've been avoided if we communicated a little differently. 

I guess 'Ye was right again... people in your life are for a season, and everything that happens is for a reason. 

I think that you learn something from every one that you come in contact with. Whether they're in your life for a nanosecond or forever, you're learning something. Something about yourself, something about people, something about anything at all. 

I'm not quite sure what I've learned from this or them, but I'm thinking that I did learn that I am capable of caring, of being a friend. 

Despite their indifference to what I think about them, I am definitely affected by what they think of me. I'm self-conscious and it's getting easier to admit it.

When it rains, it pours...

" King
When sorrows come, they come not in single spies,
but in battalions: first her father slain;"
from Hamlet Act4. sc.5 ln.83-84

Although I usually take quotes from songs, this time I decided to flip the script a bit.
I've taken to reading Shakespeare again and I am slightly fond of Hamlet.
In an assignment last night, I was asked to select my favourite quote from Act 4 and then give some insight as to why it is my favourite.
For me, the assignment was easy. The quote for this posting, says it all and epitomizes the last year and a half of my life.
Most recently it seems as if there has been a resurgence of unfortunate events occurring in my life. I thought that the rain had stopped pouring, but in reality that was just a dry patch before the hurricane hit.
It is almost as if King Claudius was speaking directly about me, almost as if this is some parallel universe, one in which I am the fair Ophelia.
Last year it began with my paternal grandmother's death, which was succeeded by the untimely death of my father and then the even more untimely death of my maternal grandmother to whom I was extremely close to.
It's like that old saying, "when it rains, it pours". That couldn't be more true. My life has been in a seemingly endless downward spiral since last year.
It is as if I'm one of the octogenarians in those corny Life Alert commercials, " I've fallen and I can't get up!"
Overwhelmed, spread to thin, exhausted, feeling insufficient, self-conscious and the first to admit it, I am a heart laden with depression.

Love, so many things I want to tell you...

" Love/ so many things I've got to tell you/ but I'm afraid I don't know how/ 'cause there's a possibilty that you'll look at me differently/ love/ ever since the first spoke your name/from then on I knew by you being in my life/ things were destined to change"
Musiq Soulchild- "Love"

" Just cuz I love you and you love me/ it doesn't mean that were meant to be"
Jazmine Sullivan- " Lions and Tigers and Bears"

"It hurts I ain't gon lie, Oh I/ You said just what I thought you would/ and it's hurts I ain't gon lie oh I/ But it doesn't hurt as bad as it could" Jazmine Sullivan- "Hurricane"

I did it once, stood with my face nestled in his neck and breathed him in as he did the same. It was as if in that moment, nothing else mattered but he and I.

Never would I have thought that A) I'd find some one that seemed so divinely compatible and B) that once I found that some one, that maintaining this seemingly "divine relationship" wouldn't be divine at all.

There are so many things, I want to tell him, to yell to him, to ask him, to thank him for. We broke up the other day, this time for the last time.

No more I love yous, baby I miss yous, or goodmornings. No more breaks. Just over.

I want to tell him I still love him, that I still care, that I pray for him more than I pray for myself. I want to ask why he put me through what he put me through. This roller coaster has caused a wave of emotions to take over my heart, creep into my throat and lungs and stop me from breathing. The air's unfamiliar staleness only reminds me that his smell, his touch are what I long for and for me this air is just insufficient without him.
Yet, I am angry with him, it seemed he would do anything to get me back , but nothing to keep me.
I knew that from the moment we met, from the moment our hearts leapt and became one that my life would be different. I knew that regardless of what happened between he and I, would forever change my life and the way I love.
We are proof that because two people love each other doesn't mean that they're meant to be together. I think we loved each other, but that we are just no longer in love. For now that's ok.
It hurts, I'm not going to lie. Break ups tend to do that. Honestly, it doesn't hurt as bad as it could, because yes I saw it coming.
And I hate to get corny, because that's not me...
but to Elvin I say, me without you is like a nerd without braces, a shoe without laces, a sentencewithoutspaces, and as a writer, I can't have that, now can I?

"Crutches"

"It's hard for me to express myself /'cause I can't protect myself if I'm exposed."
- Britney Wilson, Brave New Voices, Team New York

" Look how the smile in your face, then they back bite."
Maino- " Hi Hater"

I don't know how true the first statement is for anyone else, but in my opinion there has never been a more accurate statement uttered in the history of all slam poetry.


For me, when I'm standing there, it's as if I'm naked, skin peeled off and all scars are on display for viewing. I am exposed in a way that the physical eye may not perceive, but that the emotional eye, that third eye, scrutinizes.


There is complete venerability on that stage, in front of those people, you cannot protect yourself from the harsh words, the criticism, the naysayers.

The armour placed around your soul becomes transparent. You put your soul on the line, in hopes that there's that one person out there that hears you, sees you, relates to you.

All to often we let people's negative feed back seep into our subconsciouses like Philly Cheese steak grease through a brown paper bag. You start second guessing your ability, what hurts the most is when you think you've killed it, that you were up in front of the crowd, singing, flowing, dancing, or whatever and everyone is singing praises to you superb delivery, and there's that one... that negative Nancy nigga, that plants the figurative seed of self doubt.
When you're standing there, expelling your truth and spitting out the best and worst parts of you, there will be haters, no doubt.

This is where the Maino quote comes into play. There are those snakes in the grass whose forked tongues cut like two-edged swords that will compliment you to your face and tear you to shreds behind your back.

It disgusts me, causes a revolt in my belly forcing me to heave into the porcelain goddess, that is the toilet, of my mind.

I guess it's a perpetual cycle, they talk shit, I use it as inspiration and they talk more I write more.
It's like the chicken and the egg, which came first, no one seems to know, but the haters just add verses to my prose. ( Rhyme unintended)
Look at me, trying to sound all confident and what not, but I don't want fame, I'm self-conscious and admit it gladly, as the haters smile in my face and then talk behind my back. It's really hard for me to express myself because I can't protect myself if I'm exposed as imperfectly human.

Played by Fame

" fame is the worst drug known to man/ it's stronger than heroin/ when you can look in the mirror like ' here I am'/ and still not see what you've become/ I know I'm guilty of it too, but not like them"
- Jay-z - " Lost One"

" we all self-concious, I'm just the first to admit it"
- KanYe West- " All Falls Down
Now these two seemingly unrelated quotes may be obscure and random, but they more than aptly describe the sloppy state of affairs that is my life.
As you're reading this, you're thinking, "wtf?" but seriously, hear me out. Recently, I've noticed, with myself and with those that I'm forced to be in contact with, how true Jigga's quote is. For example, whenever people get exahalted, of placed in a postion of power they start to exude this air of slight superiority. More often than not in these situations, the person becomes jaded and develops this supercillious attitude. They are so quick to judge and point out the flaws of others yet unable to truly see themselves for the buttnugget that they've become.
What get's me most about Jay's quote though, is him saying, no, admitting that he too is guilty of walking around as if he's the fecal matter and the urine, but not like them. Them being every one else who thinks they're splashy, when in they aren't even making waves. That's how I feel everyday, as though I buy into the hype, but not like them, not as much. I still know who I am, I think.
I just always feel, idk, different. As if I'm either so far left that I have no affiliation with what's right , or that I'm so right I'm wrong.
This where 'Ye's quote come into play. I feel like everyone's trying to be a " G" and ain't realized that's just a letter in the alphabet. I think I'm one of few people that can easily admit that they're flawed and self-concious about those flaws. Everyone's put up this front, that they are perfectly secure about the way they are, when in reality, we're all self-concious. I'm just the first to admit it- on a blog that is.