Love, so many things I want to tell you...

" Love/ so many things I've got to tell you/ but I'm afraid I don't know how/ 'cause there's a possibilty that you'll look at me differently/ love/ ever since the first spoke your name/from then on I knew by you being in my life/ things were destined to change"
Musiq Soulchild- "Love"

" Just cuz I love you and you love me/ it doesn't mean that were meant to be"
Jazmine Sullivan- " Lions and Tigers and Bears"

"It hurts I ain't gon lie, Oh I/ You said just what I thought you would/ and it's hurts I ain't gon lie oh I/ But it doesn't hurt as bad as it could" Jazmine Sullivan- "Hurricane"

I did it once, stood with my face nestled in his neck and breathed him in as he did the same. It was as if in that moment, nothing else mattered but he and I.

Never would I have thought that A) I'd find some one that seemed so divinely compatible and B) that once I found that some one, that maintaining this seemingly "divine relationship" wouldn't be divine at all.

There are so many things, I want to tell him, to yell to him, to ask him, to thank him for. We broke up the other day, this time for the last time.

No more I love yous, baby I miss yous, or goodmornings. No more breaks. Just over.

I want to tell him I still love him, that I still care, that I pray for him more than I pray for myself. I want to ask why he put me through what he put me through. This roller coaster has caused a wave of emotions to take over my heart, creep into my throat and lungs and stop me from breathing. The air's unfamiliar staleness only reminds me that his smell, his touch are what I long for and for me this air is just insufficient without him.
Yet, I am angry with him, it seemed he would do anything to get me back , but nothing to keep me.
I knew that from the moment we met, from the moment our hearts leapt and became one that my life would be different. I knew that regardless of what happened between he and I, would forever change my life and the way I love.
We are proof that because two people love each other doesn't mean that they're meant to be together. I think we loved each other, but that we are just no longer in love. For now that's ok.
It hurts, I'm not going to lie. Break ups tend to do that. Honestly, it doesn't hurt as bad as it could, because yes I saw it coming.
And I hate to get corny, because that's not me...
but to Elvin I say, me without you is like a nerd without braces, a shoe without laces, a sentencewithoutspaces, and as a writer, I can't have that, now can I?

"Crutches"

"It's hard for me to express myself /'cause I can't protect myself if I'm exposed."
- Britney Wilson, Brave New Voices, Team New York

" Look how the smile in your face, then they back bite."
Maino- " Hi Hater"

I don't know how true the first statement is for anyone else, but in my opinion there has never been a more accurate statement uttered in the history of all slam poetry.


For me, when I'm standing there, it's as if I'm naked, skin peeled off and all scars are on display for viewing. I am exposed in a way that the physical eye may not perceive, but that the emotional eye, that third eye, scrutinizes.


There is complete venerability on that stage, in front of those people, you cannot protect yourself from the harsh words, the criticism, the naysayers.

The armour placed around your soul becomes transparent. You put your soul on the line, in hopes that there's that one person out there that hears you, sees you, relates to you.

All to often we let people's negative feed back seep into our subconsciouses like Philly Cheese steak grease through a brown paper bag. You start second guessing your ability, what hurts the most is when you think you've killed it, that you were up in front of the crowd, singing, flowing, dancing, or whatever and everyone is singing praises to you superb delivery, and there's that one... that negative Nancy nigga, that plants the figurative seed of self doubt.
When you're standing there, expelling your truth and spitting out the best and worst parts of you, there will be haters, no doubt.

This is where the Maino quote comes into play. There are those snakes in the grass whose forked tongues cut like two-edged swords that will compliment you to your face and tear you to shreds behind your back.

It disgusts me, causes a revolt in my belly forcing me to heave into the porcelain goddess, that is the toilet, of my mind.

I guess it's a perpetual cycle, they talk shit, I use it as inspiration and they talk more I write more.
It's like the chicken and the egg, which came first, no one seems to know, but the haters just add verses to my prose. ( Rhyme unintended)
Look at me, trying to sound all confident and what not, but I don't want fame, I'm self-conscious and admit it gladly, as the haters smile in my face and then talk behind my back. It's really hard for me to express myself because I can't protect myself if I'm exposed as imperfectly human.

Played by Fame

" fame is the worst drug known to man/ it's stronger than heroin/ when you can look in the mirror like ' here I am'/ and still not see what you've become/ I know I'm guilty of it too, but not like them"
- Jay-z - " Lost One"

" we all self-concious, I'm just the first to admit it"
- KanYe West- " All Falls Down
Now these two seemingly unrelated quotes may be obscure and random, but they more than aptly describe the sloppy state of affairs that is my life.
As you're reading this, you're thinking, "wtf?" but seriously, hear me out. Recently, I've noticed, with myself and with those that I'm forced to be in contact with, how true Jigga's quote is. For example, whenever people get exahalted, of placed in a postion of power they start to exude this air of slight superiority. More often than not in these situations, the person becomes jaded and develops this supercillious attitude. They are so quick to judge and point out the flaws of others yet unable to truly see themselves for the buttnugget that they've become.
What get's me most about Jay's quote though, is him saying, no, admitting that he too is guilty of walking around as if he's the fecal matter and the urine, but not like them. Them being every one else who thinks they're splashy, when in they aren't even making waves. That's how I feel everyday, as though I buy into the hype, but not like them, not as much. I still know who I am, I think.
I just always feel, idk, different. As if I'm either so far left that I have no affiliation with what's right , or that I'm so right I'm wrong.
This where 'Ye's quote come into play. I feel like everyone's trying to be a " G" and ain't realized that's just a letter in the alphabet. I think I'm one of few people that can easily admit that they're flawed and self-concious about those flaws. Everyone's put up this front, that they are perfectly secure about the way they are, when in reality, we're all self-concious. I'm just the first to admit it- on a blog that is.